Before I had children, I had a pretty unrealistic view of what it would be like to be a mum.
I knew it would be hard & I’d have countless sleepless nights but I had no idea about the other ways in which parenthood can affect you & ultimately change you in so many ways. Nobody can prepare you for it.
Finding out I was pregnant with Elsa was a huge shock as she was an accident (or ‘lovely surprise’ as we now put it, although it didn’t feel all that lovely at the time!). I wasn’t ready to have a baby, but Joe & I both decided to embrace it & it was the best decision I have ever & will ever make.
When I was pregnant with her I often wondered what kind of a mum I’d be, would I be a natural who embraces breastfeeding, baby wearing & cosleeping or would let my child ‘cry it out’ & go with Gina Ford’s strict & regimented way of thinking?
What I didn’t expect was how completely & utterly lonely & I would feel, pretty much everyday, & still do. I spend most of my time looking after my two children so am technically never ‘alone’, yet I count down the minutes until my husband gets home or latch on to the poor checkout person in Aldi; just to have a conversation with someone who doesn’t launch into ‘Let it go’ half way through talking or follow me everywhere I go shouting ‘mummy’ 378274828 times a day.
I was the first of my friends to have a baby (& still am really…come on ladies!) & so felt very much out of touch. I’ve lost contact with a few friends who’s lives were just too different from my own, but also made some incredible new friends as well as really learning the true meaning of friendship through those that stuck around & always make an effort with my two little sproglets despite being in a completely different place to me.
Whilst I was pregnant I made a pact to myself that I wouldn’t become one of those mums who became so obsessed with their children that that was all they were, ‘mum’. I was going to make sure that I kept my identity & wouldn’t just be ‘Elsa & Rory’s mum’, I’d be Charlotte. This is something that I’ve seen SO many times with people who stop doing the things they once loved, going out with friends or having anything in their life that doesn’t revolve around their children.
This doesn’t mean I don’t love my children as much as the next person. Don’t get me wrong, they mean everything to me…but they AREN’T everything. It’s not healthy for them to be, for me & for them.
Somehow, along the way I do feel like I have lost myself. I basically do a full time job with being a freelance social media manager & writer, as well as this blog. I also look after two children as a ‘stay at home mum’ & maintain a household including all the washing/cleaning/cooking/decorating. I feel like I don’t have the TIME to dedicate to myself & I just get so wrapped up in life that finding time for ‘me’ comes last.
I’ve set myself a goal & would love it if any fellow ‘lost’ readers would join in with me.
Over the next few weeks, I’m going to try to do one thing per day which is purely for ME. Not for anybody else, but just for me. This can be reading a book, going for a massage (something I’ve dreamed about for YEARS) or even little things like making yourself a cup of tea over tidying the toys away.
Be kind to yourself mummas!
Love, Charlotte x
Beautiful and so so true! Xoxo
This is lovely, being a 27year old mum of 2 (aged 4 & 2) I can relate. I feel guilty when I dont give them 100% of my attention but when I see them using their imaginations and playing together when ive taken 10minutes to make a coffee & actually drink it whilst its hot! I realise they need that bit of space and time to explore without me constantly entertaining them.
I love your blog & your IG. The fact you have this beautiful home & life but still let us followers know its not always perfection is a reassuring thing. Thank you �� x Nicola Jacobs x
I'm 33 and I have a little girl who is 10 months old – I have stumbled across your IG and blog by becoming very interested in crafting ideas. What you have said here is exactly how I feel, I love my baby and wouldn't change her for the world but I had no idea how much my life was going to change when I was pregnant – it's the best thing that has happened to me but also the most difficult thing – It's nice to know that I'm not alone in how I feel x
I am so with you on that – it's the constant 'mum guilt' that you aren't giving them everything but then how can you when you've got xyz to do as well? My littles are at the stage where they are starting to entertain themselves/eachother so it's a huge weight off my shoulders & means I can get stuff done x
Oh Emma, you are most definitely not alone! Parenthood is the most magical amazing experience, but also the hardest thing you'll ever do, physically & mentally. I promise you they get SO much easier as they got older, you're in one of the hardest ages where they want to do things but can't. We're all in this together mumma xx
Thank you! ?
I agree with everything you said. It's so easy to lose yourself when you become a parent. When I had my son (now 7) I had a job I loved, I worked 3 days a week and my son attended a fab nursery. I truly enjoyed all of our time together. It was a great balance of a job I loved and being a mum. When my daughter was born (now 2) I decided to leave my job and start an evening job which in hignsight was silly as it was a lot of pressure to work 6 days a week every evening missing out on a really important part of their day. I'm now a full time mummy, it's so so hard. I miss adult conversation that doesn't involve talking about the children, I miss getting dressed up for work and I miss having a break from cleaning the house what feels like 24/7 I guess my point is that we always want what's best for our children but sometimes we have to do what's best for us too. Some people are cut out for being a full time mum but I just need some me time every now and again lol xx
I agree 100% – I mostly feel like I'm not 'cut out' to be a full time stay at home mum but feel so much pressure that I should as it's the 'right' thing to do for them, even if it isn't necessarily for me & my sanity! All I'm doing is counting down the years until they start school & I begin to get my life back, which isn't the way it should be I'm sure x
I think some people just like their own space even when it comes to their children, I'm Defo one of them! I'm attending an open day for a nursery for my little girl in two weeks – a couple of afternoons a week will do us both good! Would you consider nursery for either of your little ones? i know it's a bit cliche but I do believe in "a happy mum, a happy child" if you had some time to yourself on a regular basis to do your thing it might help the way you feel. For what it's worth, you seem like a fab mum. Why are we all so hard on ourselves!! X
Nursery isn't for everyone tho, but God it's right for me ?
Elsa's starting preschool in September when she gets her 3 year funding – I can't wait! She used to go to nursery but it closed, also they are SO expensive & we live in an area full of oldies (the average age is 70 ha!) so nurserys are few & far between. Totally agree with the happy mum happy baby/child xx
Hi Charlotte, I came across your blog by chance, but I am glad I did! Your house is lovely and so is your family. We are in a similar situation, I am 25 and don't have children (yet).. But we have a house (in Highcliffe actually) and have done a lot of work to it, and extension and new bathroom. I feel like I missed my chance to blog about it! Which is a shame. Our furniture isn't as nice as we would like but we are getting there!
I made a New Years resolution to have a pamper night once a week, that includes a bubble bath, face mask and painting my nail. It could be done while your little ones are asleep, and will definitely give you 'you' time! Xx
Hey Charlotte
Hope you're well and finding 'you' time, as you said about a massage being on the To Do list I recommend checking out Lush Spa. Not quite sure which is the nearest one to you so maybe best to look at the website (www.lush.com) when you have a spare 5 mins.
There are a variety of different massages/experiences available which are reasonably priced. So, definitely worth a shot if not then the bath bombs are a second best! Also good to note, Lush do gift cards so always an idea to let friends and family know 🙂
Charlie x